


it's not in the stars to hold our destiny but in ourselves...

by westallenkiss



Category: 9-1-1: Lone Star (TV 2020)
Genre: BAMF Carlos Reyes (9-1-1 Lone Star), F/M, Future Fic, Hurt TK Strand, Implied/Referenced Drug Addiction, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Protective Carlos Reyes, Tarlos - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-12
Packaged: 2021-03-18 10:33:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 19,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29856771
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westallenkiss/pseuds/westallenkiss
Summary: And he can't understand how everyone goes on breathing when true love ends. His mother whispers quietly, "heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive, so live for the moment and take this advice, live by every word, love is just a hoax so forget anything that you have heard and live for the moment now...If there is one thing Carlos knew about Tyler Kennedy...it was that he would find his way back to him. He made a promise to him that he would never give up on him.
Relationships: Alex (9-1-1 Lone Star)/TK Strand, Alex/Mitchell (9-1-1 Lone Star), Carlos Reyes/TK Strand, Michelle Blake/Owen Strand
Comments: 5
Kudos: 35





	1. the restless dream we left behind i never will forget.

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [if only...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/29853654) by [westallenkiss](https://archiveofourown.org/users/westallenkiss/pseuds/westallenkiss). 



> READ ALL OF [THIS BEFORE GOING FORWARD THIS FIC:](https://archiveofourown.org/series/2157249)
> 
> 1\. This fic is inspired by quite a few things if you haven't already guessed: The Notebook, The Vow, and a variety of songs and quotes that you will see throughout the fic.
> 
> 2\. This fic will reference/imply drug use.
> 
> 3\. This fic will reference thoughts of suicide.
> 
> 4\. Please note that some things will be considered AU and not exactly going along with the show.
> 
> 5\. All the memories/references and things will be from my series from the Good Things Happen bingo prompts.
> 
> 6\. Gywn is evil in this fic.
> 
> 7\. Alex, whom we know broke it off with TK is going to be a horrible influence on him. Please read with caution as TK and him will be hooking up, drugs involved.
> 
> 8\. Also remember, Michelle and Owen are married with a baby girl named KT, which is considered AU towards the show.
> 
> 8\. And last but not least, all mistakes are mine, grammar errors, whatever you come across because I won't have a beta, I will fix it as I see it and hope it is not a distraction to you.

[♥](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vhtgLa3Ql4U)

_It's funny how the words we never say can turn into the only thoughts we know  
but Austin's just so very far away and I cannot believe I let you go..._

If we remembered every day that we could lose someone at any moment, we would love them more fiercely and freely, and without fear- not because there is nothing to lose but because everything can always be lost. TK Strand was in the middle of another dream, but he swore it was a memory, but if it was a memory why was no one here to tell him that? He loved to go to sleep because that's when he saw him. Certain memories weren't as vivid, but he always remembers the first kiss, how hard and passionate it was, and when he licked his own lips he tasted something distinct. He wanted to believe they were real. Did he really go to Texas and fall in love with a police officer, if so what was his name? 

//

_And so I write to this address that I don't know, they said you had to leave and we lost track.  
So if you hear this on the radio, I've said it now and there's no turning back..._

_Dear Ty,  
It's only been 6 months, but that's half a year, half a fucking year and I don't have you in my arms. We were supposed to be married in December. Spend Christmas together on our honeymoon holding hands in a winter wonderland filled with snow because it's what you wanted. You loved the cold even if you were always so warm. When you would take my hand you set my soul on fire. I really miss you, Ty. I know you will remember me one day, I just hope that when you do, you'll come back to me and we can live our happily ever after. It is all I ask of you. I don't think I can hold on another 6 months, but I will continue to write you every single day until you come back..._

//

Gywn put the one hundredth and thirty-two letter in the shoebox in her closet away from her son, and she threw out the envelope for the return address. In the same shoebox was also the engagement ring Carlos had given TK. He would never go in her closet even he was suspicious to why she had been going there as often as the mail had come, he had no reason to investigate when he just wanted to live in his dreams. 

Gywn also decided he did not need a letter from someone who should have given up on him already. It was a mistake from the beginning for her son to go to Texas and be a firefighter when he could just be one here. She never ever agreed to any of it, they left without giving her any kind of warning, and looking at the situation at hand...she almost lost her son, again. She was trying to be a good mother without realizing by keeping him hostage was making all of it worse.

TK was lost without Carlos and he didn't even know it. Therapy sessions felt like everything was worse and he never wanted to go outside, he felt like if he did he'd just go back to wanting to get high every moment of the day. He relied on his dreams to see Carlos and the strange voices that suddenly appeared. He didn't even have the urge to be a firefighter anymore, he wasn't confident enough anymore and Gywn pretended to care telling him when he was ready he could go right ahead. 

Owen had no choice when it came to the decision at the hospital whether or not he should stay in Texas. The doctors even recommended he go home and he should see a therapist try and regain his memory and if he ever did, to be honest, it would be a miracle, they said. Carlos screamed and pleaded with Gywn to have her stay in Texas, that there was no way he could just forget literally everything. He even told her just how unsafe he was in New York knowing what he was up to right before the decision was made to come here. Gywn assured Carlos there would be no such thing happening while TK was under her roof and she would personally talk to Alex herself for leaving her son like that. It turned useless and Carlos couldn't stand to be in the room a second longer and knew in his heart TK would come back to him despite what Gywn had thought.

It was Michelle who gave Carlos the idea to write the letters. She at least thought Gywn would give them to him to help him cope with having no memory of the past 2 years he was in Texas, there just had to be some kind of soul in her if she loved her son and wanted him to be happy. Owen told her plenty about how miserable TK was in New York and even if he didn't want to come to Texas at first - simply everyone whom he met turned into his family...especially Carlos who there was no doubt in his mind anyone could forget him. 

//

TK was in the middle of a daydream with a memory flooding his mind like a tidal wave, or was it just a dream? 

_The chorus continued as TK looked to Carlos with all of the love in the world that he had for him, the song really moving him in a way he didn't think it would. Carlos could just smile, was TK really enjoying a country song? He took his boyfriend by the hand, and made him stand up, "Dance with me," He whispered in his ear, as he started to hum to the song again pressing repeat on it._

_TK obeyed, he didn't even think twice, his hips pressing softly against Carlos as they slowly swayed to the soft beat and Carlos' soft humming against TK's ear. TK put his arms around Carlos' shoulders, "Do you think about it?" TK spoke softly, leaning back at Carlos' embrace around his waist._

_"About changing your name?" Carlos smirked teasing of course._

_"Leaving me," TK mumbled with a bit to his lip._

_"Ty, no. I would never," Carlos hated that was the only part of the song that was lingering in TK's mind._

_TK's lips curved into a gentle smile, "I do think we are made for each other, I do think me coming to Texas was for a reason and the stars aligned up for me to meet you..."_

_"I never imagined meeting someone like you, Ty, but I want to spend the rest of my life for you. What if this is it, what if this meant to be, what if I just pulled you close," He pushed himself forward and placed a kiss on his lips. "I'd marry you in a heartbeat, Tyler Kennedy," Carlos swore against his lips._

The soft humming of the song was still playing in his head, but he thought back again, " _Carlos Reyes_ , I finally know his name!!!" He screamed out running into the kitchen to find his mom in another one of her stupid meetings. "I'm not fuckin' stupid. I remember his name. Everything that I am remembering is because it's real, it's not a fuckin' dream anymore, it's memories, it's all memories!!!" TK continued to shout.

"I'll have to call you back," Gywn took her AirPods out of her ear as she turned around to TK, "Number one, you do not scream at me like that, number two, you do not curse at me while I am in a meeting."

"I could give two shits about number one and number two, especially number two because all you goddamn do is talk talk talk in meetings and avoid me and listen to me - it's all you have ever done...so you're going to explain something to me and you are going to tell me the truth, why did I go to Texas after my drug overdose?" His voice still raised and as he was walking back and forth around the kitchen. "Also, I'm not a child." He threw his hands up. "You can't keep me locked up forever," He folded his arms over his chest. Even if he didn't want to go anywhere, he was simply starting to get restless.

Gywn knew she had to tell him the truth sooner or later, but she still did not like how she was being spoken to, even if he had every right to be upset. "Because they had the best doctors there to get you out of the coma," She easily lied.

"Bullshit, something doesn't add upright, you're hiding something from me and I am going to get to the bottom of it." TK decided, stomping his foot and heading out the door.

"Where are you going?!" Gywn yelled after him, she knew he'd be back, he had his tantrums but he was fine.

TK didn't tell anyone but the voices in his head that made him make poor decisions such as the one he was about to make. He thought it was just part of his tragic overdose and, refused to get help. It would only make things worse when to see his therapist because he felt like they only made things worse when he tried to explain his dreams to them. He felt so betrayed because he knew Gywn was keeping something from him and most definitely paying off his therapist to tell him nothing but the fact that he was crazy, and indeed he was but he was stronger than everyone thought. 

"None of your business." TK slammed the door shut and ran down the block to the only other person he knew thinking at least maybe he'd give him advice. He still doesn't know why Alex broke up with him either, he can't remember why. Alex's house smelled like pot, and it was an instant euphoric moment to TK, wanting nothing more than to crawl up with and smoke a joint and just talk about his day just like he always did...

"TK? What are you doing here?" Alex was actually really happy to see him. 

"I uh, I was thinking about you? Why did you break up with me?" He breathed him in. He still smelled the same along with the marijuana smell.

"Are you high? 2 years later and you're asking me why I broke up with you? Did you forget?" He questioned his ex, bringing him inside. 

"2 years of my life is a blur, apparently I was in a coma cuz I overdosed because you broke up with me, but I don't remember the reason or where I was before I overdosed...I only have this memory of someone I don't know and like all of our memories...and that you were getting distant from me...so I don't recall...I just..." TK started to actually feel like he took something because now he just felt dumb.

Alex laughed obnoxiously, handing over a joint for TK to light up as he brought him to the couch, "I think you're still tripping on whatever acid you took, you lived in Texas...I texted you asking if you'd ever forgiven me...but you were very much in love with this random Texan...I forgot..." Alex answered what he needed to know.

TK blinked and as much as he wanted to get high right now, he couldn't, just breathing in Alex alone was enough. He shook his head and blinked again, he could barely concentrate for some reason - not even comprehending what he said because now he just thought he was dreaming this up too. "Why did you break up with me?" He asked it again poking him at every word.

"Because I met someone else, you stupidly were proposing to me thinking we could fix me being distant because you thought I wanted more from you when I was getting it from someone else," Alex was blunt about it, "But that doesn't change the fact that I still want you now..." He added to his bluntness.

"How much of an idiot do you think I am? You cheated on me?!!!!!!!" TK stood up and glared down at him, "You fucking cheated on me, why would I ever take you back?"

"I don't know TK, you tell me? You're here now acting like you literally forgot that I did so why does it even matter?!" Alex answered standing up too. "Look if you don't have smoke and mellow out with me like old times, you should go..."

TK swallowed, "...no one since I woke up from my coma is telling me the truth, I need to know who the fuck I am dreaming about. I need to know why it's so vivid..." TK grabbed the joint back from his ex and sat back down, he inhaled to exhale and put his head back. He felt guilty moments after exhaling and instantly handed it back to him.

Alex couldn't help but laugh at him, he was always so...eccentric and weird, if anything at all, he really did hate himself for cheating on him. "You were the best thing that ever happened to me, TK. I've missed you." 

"You. Cheated. On. Me." TK frowned. "No wonder why I overdosed. Why didn't I just die?" He frowned wanting to take another hit but he got himself up again to just get himself on top of Alex. He remembered this position all too well, and instead of actually enjoying it and wanting it - the only thing he could think about was his last memory. But he shook his head and leaned forward to press his lips against his ex-boyfriend who gladly accepted the kiss with his hands rapidly moving up his shirt. TK whimpered into his mouth, he didn't like it but he wasn't kissing Alex in his mind he was kissing Carlos just like in his dreams. " _Carlos,_ " He whimpered and was suddenly shoved.

"You just said his name, I thought you couldn't remember it." Alex was angry and didn't tell him his name on purpose.

"So you did know it, you lied to me, has Carlos lied to me? Who is he?" TK really wanted to know. He truly felt like he was on drugs or had something to keep himself from remembering all of the details but not having answers to any of them.

"I really don't know, TK. I went to your house and you weren't there, I didn't believe you when you said you went to Texas..." Alex answered him. "Actually..." He put his finger up and reached to grab his phone, going in and finding TK's number and showing him the last thing he sent him, "Does this help?" _You really did move, I was just at your place. It's empty. Didn't think you had it in you to move on. Congratulations._ He read it out loud and TK just looked at Alex - looking right through him turning as white as ghost. Alex was quick to catch him as he passed out right in his arms. He knew he messed up now, he knew TK really didn't remember what happened and knew it was some kind of memory loss. He didn't know what to do so he just tried to wake him up as he kept apologizing. 

When TK finally came to, he looked as if he didn't even remember coming here. "Thanks for uh being nice to me and telling me the truth." He didn't know what to do except just lay there in his arms, and it all was a blur again because TK just wanted to feel, and he only felt like himself when he was dreaming. If he just closed his eyes maybe he could dream. Alex started to kiss him again, he didn't want him to be in love with anyone else but him. TK gave in after a moment, lifting himself up and taking control of the kiss for what it was worth he was just going to pretend it was Carlos.

"I know what will make this even better," Alex took the ecstasy out of his pocket and placed it on his tongue. 

"You never not have it," TK growled into his mouth taking it from his tongue with his own and swallowing it. He knew why Alex was so wrong for him yet he still couldn't control anything that was happening, wanting nothing more but to feel as euphoric as he did in his dreams. And this was the TK that Alex loved and worshiped. He did not care if he got called the wrong name now that he had him right where he wanted...

When TK came back to a reality that he absolutely hated: _Alex passed out next to him as he started to scramble for his clothes and try to find something anything to take from that he can take in order to take his mind off what he doesn't want to feel._ Maybe he'll pass out again, maybe someone will find him and he'll be back in Texas, but he doesn't find anything but marijuana and ecstasy so he doesn't take it instead because he knows better, but he's still back on the streets searching for something, anything, in the middle of the night. It's a lot different now, seems like NYC has more cops on the street then how it used to be. 

He can't control the voices in his head telling him to not go home and keep searching for it, something, anything to get high and forget about what he just did because he felt gross, he didn't feel anything from what he did not like he used to. He felt like he betrayed this person in his dreams and he just had enough of himself and all his thoughts in his head were now just telling him to go home and shower and wash off Alex's stench. He tried to stop the voices but they only kept louder and louder. 

He listened, finishing up the shower, and noticed it was literally 3 am in the morning, his mother fast asleep as if she didn't even care that he'd left her. He wanted to scream at her, tell her what he did, make her hate him even more but instead he felt compelled to go into her closet remembering how she kept hiding something every time the mail came. It literally fell right on his head, the shoebox there in plain sight with letters addressed to him. He didn't know he kept so quiet or how he even controlled himself to tiptoe out of her room with the box. 

They were just letters, out of the envelope so no damn return address, but what in the actual hell, _Dear Ty, you really left to go back to New York. I pleaded with them, I said you will remember me. I know you will. There's no way you can forget anything we've been through. The way you looked at me, it was as if you were literally capturing every moment and falling harder and deeper in love with me the way I was falling for you. You may never remember me, but at least you'll have this letter and know that I Carlos Reyes will always love you and you once loved me...maybe this could be our way of communicating, help you remember me and who I was to you. I'll never stop trying. **Eres mi media naranja.** Love, Carlos_ TK ran out the door, he was going _home_.

There was just one problem, the voices, they were there again, giving him wrong advice, but he just continued to wander in the middle of the night with the box of letters in his hand, he wanted a place to read them...

These voices though, were also a sign right? If anyone could help it would be Michelle, she experienced all of this with her sister and although she knew absolutely nothing because Gywn kept everyone in the dark, she suddenly realized she made a horrible mistake. The box of letters was gone and she hadn't seen TK, she didn't even know he took them.

"...It's all my fault, but I need you to come out here and find him for me." Gywn made the phone call she never thought she would ever have to make.

"What do you mean? He ran away?" Michelle panicked promptly putting her on speaker for Owen to hear.

"He did with the box of letters Carlos wrote him...in the middle of the night on Sunday..." Gywn confessed.

"Oh dear god, Gywn it's Wednesday," Michelle gasped.

Owen gripped onto Michelle, holding her tightly, "TK is strong, stronger than we think but I cannot believe you would do such a thing. We trusted you." 

"I just wanted what was best, everything was fine until he started to remember Carlos..." Gywn also confessed...oops.

"That's it, say no more, Carlos and I are coming to New York." Michelle hung up the phone. She looked to Owen with you can't stop me look and he instantly put his hands up.

"I won't stop you, I will stay here, take care of KT, and of course put out fires and save people's lives, you go do your thing and save our son." Owen nodded firmly kissing her lips and practically packing her suitcase for her while she was already calling Carlos. 

"Fancy a trip to New York to save TK?" Michelle said as soon as he answered.

"Uhm what?" Carlos choked on his own spit. "He remembers?" He swallowed, dear god this was the best news Carlos ever heard, his letters actually worked.

"Not exactly, well we know he has started to, but he ran away when he found your letters that she'd been keeping from him," She took a slight breath sadly, "Carlos, she said she only left the letters, she threw out the return address, so I don't know if he would actually come here, and Gywn hasn't seen him in 3 days...she called me asking me to help her find him...I won't go without you." Michelle explained.

"What the fuck," Carlos was furious, he knew she would do this, he knew Gywn would try to keep him away from him. "If we know anything about TK, he wouldn't just hop on a plane to come here, but we will search the airports get a warrant to see if uses his name on any of the inbound flights to Texas before we head there, we're going to find him!" Carlos was on instant cop mode, he was going to find his fiance...

_Oh, my imagination running wild. Guess I've missed you from the day that we first met. Crazy this fascination makes a sound like a twister in my mind. The restless dream we left behind, I never will forget this restless dream. A restless dream..._


	2. This feeling never dies. The fever never breaks. It shakes under your skin, and drips across your face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I very much hope I have your interest with this fic, I would love to know what you think. In this chapter we have a very BAMF Carlos, who will do anything to find his fiance, if it's the last thing he'll ever do.
> 
> **Trigger Warning: Reference of drugs and schizophrenia.**

[♥](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bKm3YQeO8aQ)   
_And these are your last words, "I'm sorry"  
Right before my eyes, can't believe this is goodbye  
Keep staring right into my eyes, and look at me for the last time..._

It is all Carlos can think about on the flight to New York, TK apologizing to him that he has no idea who he is, that all the memories they shared, all of the moments gone, not a single one. It devasted him, how quickly this could happen. He never thought he would lose TK like this, but he didn't right? He was flying to New York to save him. He only hoped for the best because he knew this wasn't going to be easy. 

Michelle was being so strong for Carlos, he needed to remember he could handle things like this, he was a cop after all. He just couldn't be one while trying to find TK in New York. He wanted to do it like his father would be an actual detective. Michelle had her own detective skills of her own, they could find him in no time but Carlos was worried, way too worried that he would find him and he wouldn't even be alive. He really needed to stop thinking like this. He needed to remember just how strong TK was, and he was doing so well in Texas. He believed he was TK's drug and he was the one he was addicted to. That was why he needed to find him before it was too late.

Landing, the two of them were practically running out to find a car to rent and make their way to Gywn's house. It wasn't very easy to find like they thought it would, the city is a mess at this hour of rush hour traffic.

\--

Alex knocked on the door of TK's door, he only hoped he would be here. He didn't like that he had left him lying naked on the floor of his place, leaving him with the pills and not even taking the weed. It didn't sit right, this wasn't the TK he remembered. Alex had completely forgotten that Gywn would be home now, and when she answered the door and not TK, froze and apologized. "I was hoping you could tell me if he was home? I just want to apologize."

"Wait, apologize for what?" Gywn pulled him inside, did he know something she didn't?

"Well, you see, I mean, nevermind, where is he?" Alex couldn't tell his mother what they'd done.

"Alex, he ran away. I was hoping you knew where he was..." 

Well shit. Alex swallowed. "He hasn't been himself, he's the complete opposite. I saw him 3 days ago myself." He told her and looked down, he couldn't face her and he blamed himself completely for TK's disappearance. 

"I finally called his dad, to tell him the mistake I made by not giving him the letters he was receiving my Carlos so I do believe he figured it out...by doing that though...they're on their way...they're going to find him." She nodded and it was perfect timing because the rental car pulled up to her house and Carlos literally raced out of the car and barging in. So much for not playing cop, but he really didn't want to waste him.

"I was just leaving," Alex brushed past him and it started Carlos but took one look at him and realized who he must be. 

"Stay, let me guess...you're _him_." He made a disgusted face. "What are you doing here? And don't say just leaving, why did you come here..."

"It's Alex, thanks. I came to apologize to TK, I didn't see him for three days, I was hoping he was here..." Alex admitted.

"Thanks for coming," Gywn said, "We're going to find him,"

"Yes, Michelle and I are going to find him, you and this asshole will stay here and pretend like you actually give a shit," Carlos said and he really shouldn't have, he needed to stay professional but he really could not even fathom giving them back TK when he found him.

"Carlos, your mouth, remember what I said about being rude will get you to know where? I know you're angry but we have to do this the right way," Michelle stayed calm even if she could literally strangle Gywn for literally everything, and everything she knew about her.

"Right," Carlos cleared his throat. "So you're Alex huh? Why did you break his heart?" He decided to ask, Carlos really wanted to get to know and finds out more about TK's life in New York.

Alex laughed now Carlos was asking exactly what TK asked him. "Look, that's between TK and me...we had something... every time we got high and drank and used ecstasy it was amazing, the best sex I ever had," Alex answered bluntly not even caring that Gywn was right there. "But he started to ask me why, why can't we do it without...and it turned me off so I started to see someone else from my spin class, TK was trying to get sober..." 

Carlos clenched his fist, "So you're the reason for his drug problem? And you're the sole reason why he relapsed?" He swallowed, his heart beating out of his chest. He was literally fighting with a drug addict.

"I promise I didn't mean to let him get away, I want to help him, I want to help you find him. I want us to get back where we left off...I didn't mean to cheat on him, what TK and I have are special," Alex really knew how to push Carlos' buttons, didn't he?

"Are you kidding me? Do you think I'm going to let him go back to you? I'm taking him to Texas the second I find him." Carlos snapped again, really he could not let this drug addict talk like this to him.

"He would never want that, he lives for ecstasy and getting high with me," If only Alex could hear how pathetic he sounds right now.

"Are you FUCKIN' kidding me?" Carlo scolded.

Michelle held Carlos back from swinging, her reflexes were always on high alert when Carlos was angry. She knew how he got and she needed to make sure he didn't do anything he didn't regret.

Alex laughed.

Carlos bit his tongue, calmed himself down with a deep breath, "You do realize I'm a cop?"

"You do realize it was TK's choice...he did it to feel. That's how we make love." Alex continued to rub it in his face. It hurt Carlos like no other, the fact that TK had to do it in order to feel, he truly hated knowing all of this information which was something TK had put behind him when he moved to Texas and now it was just starting all over again, he needed to get him back home as soon as possible...

"So uh, _you do realize_ ," Carlos made air quotes, "Never once did TK ever need drugs to be with me, not once did he ask me if I wanted to try anything. He became addicted to me on all on his own. He doesn't need someone as pathetic as you. This hurts me more than you'll ever know and the fact that I have to even tell you just how pathetic you sound is mental, you need help." Carlos was trying so hard to be rational, he was hurting after all. 

"Oh excuse me, Mr. Perfect." Alex rolled his eyes. "I guess he does love you, he said your name while he was trying so hard to forget the person in his dreams," Alex went ahead and let Carlos know the truth. "It just sucks you'll never have him again." He had to say and get the last word in, and Carlos swung at him but yet again Michelle stopped him and held him back.

"Carlos, please. We will find TK. Stop fighting with him." She pleaded.

"I agree, please stop fighting. This is not something I need to hear. I don't think either of you deserves my son if you just keep fighting over him like this." Gywn decided and took a step back. "You will need to let TK make that decision. I am realizing what I did was a huge mistake and I am truly sorry for keeping your letters, Carlos. But he wasn't stupid, he has them along with your engagement ring in the shoebox. If there is one thing I know about TK - he's probably in some ditch somewhere reading them wanting to be found." Gywn did know her son a little bit, but only that much. 

"If you find him, it's going to be hard for him to want to listen to you, all he does is complain about the voices..." Alex just went ahead and rolled his eyes.

"Wait a minute, what... _the voices?_ " Michelle swallowed gripping onto Carlos' hand. "I know all about the voices all too well, my sister, she suffers from schizo..." She couldn't even finish her sentence. 

"It'll be okay, he just needs me, he will be okay once he knows I'm here," Carlos refused to believe this would be like Michelle's case.

"You can't say that Carlos, I had hoped too, but it all comes down to what TK knows and what those voices are saying...it looks like the voices did tell him to leave Alex's house and find those letters..." Michelle reasoned, "If you know anything about where TK could go read these letters or somewhere that he would go to often please tell us..." Michelle's voice was still soft as she spoke looking to Alex for answers.

"He did always go to this one place in central park, it was his secluded tree by the small lake there...he often went there...I followed him there once when he was slowly changing into the TK, I couldn't stand, the sole reason why I became distant on my own, I can't believe he thought to propose to me would solve this, romance is bullshit..." Alex had word vomit realizing that maybe TK wasn't cut out for him but the cop standing there in front of him looking at him like he wanted to kill him.

"You really don't know TK," Carlos scowled one last time but took note of where he said TK might go...

//

TK woke up gasping for air like he was drowning, but he wasn't, he was saving someone's life from drowning in some tragic bus accident. He wasn't going to lose her, he didn't even know who she was and he was determined to save her. His dad's grip suddenly on his shoulder as he brought him out of the accident and the lady he was trying to save was being pulled out. He was gasping for breath, having no idea how he ended up here, but this was his favorite place to be in New York, the place he liked to escape to trying to sober himself up, and for what it's worth it was working but he didn't know he would lose Alex too, now he lost the man in his dreams too. This wasn't his normal dreams with Carlos this was something completely different - this had to be a memory. He froze staring at the lake, thinking more of that day and knowing that he saved the lady from drowning in that tragic accident where a fire hydrant was knocked over into a bus, and just like that she was drowning how freakish but how real...why would he remember that? Something else started to come back like it was all full circle. TK remembered walking away hearing Carlos' voice, _He's an impressive guy..._ And his father answering, _He's my son._ and it was like Deja vou, "Didn't I say that to Carlos when I first met him? ...only I said it about my dad..." He spoke out loud to himself. "...a day or two later we went to this club, and we were dancing, someone named Michelle was there, she caught my Dad's eye and then Carlos, he came up to me and asked I wanted to dance...it was all over from there because he took me back to his place and oh my god the kiss - our first kiss - every single second of that passionate kiss..." He was still talking out loud to himself not realizing it. 

"I'm sorry sir, but are you okay? You seem to be talking to absolutely no one." A bystander said taking a seat down next to him.

TK blinked and looked to her with one eye opened from the sun being in his eyes when he looked to the left, and she was almost angelic to him, but he was probably just dreaming, "I uh, sorry I was talking to the voices...they listen to me..." TK admitted not really caring if anyone thought he was crazy at this point.

"I get it, but that sounds kind of like you escaped a mental institution and I would need to bring you back," She half-joked but was also very much concerned.

"Believe me, as much as that actually does sound like a good idea, I kind of just want to be able to remember all of my memories before I classify myself as insane..." He mentioned to her as if she would understand him and yet somehow she did as he continued to explain.

"It sounds like you want to be found," She added to his last statement of trying to find his way back home without know where to start. "I believe someone is looking for you." How did she know? Was TK imaging her? He went to answer her but he didn't see her anymore. But whatever he was seeing was right.

He wanted to be found.

_It speaks to me, telling me you're terrified of this disease,  
cause you look so weak. As it's ripping through your body,  
it's tearing through me._

TK opened another letter and began reading, _Ty, do you remember when you told me how safe your name sounded coming out of my mouth? That I was the only one that ever was allowed to call you that? TK is for when I'm angry at you which is 99% of the time...I'm kidding...but it's a good thing I'm angry because I love you even when I'm angry. I'm angry right now that you did this to yourself, that run into fear itself. I'm still angry about the minefield, but most all I'm just angry at myself that I'm so forgettable that you can't remember who I am or anything I've ever said to you to prove to you how much I love you...I never thought I'd be writing these letters to you in hopes it'll bring back something and if it doesn't and you're just thinking who is this desperate man...I guess just know that I love you and I always will and I'm never giving up. Desperate or not, I don't want to live without you..._

There were tears streaming down his face, it didn't sound desperate - it sounded like everything he needed to hear at that very moment and he could hear it in Carlos' voice. His dreams about him were getting more and more vivid. He needed to leave Carlos with a sign because right now he believed anything was possible. This letter proved it. So along the shore of the lake where there was a big patch of dirt, TK took a stick and drew his name in it, _Tyler Kennedy was here..._ But he was also starting to get cold, he also needed to find a place he could shower because he really didn't like the way he smelled, he also still felt like he was drowning and dripping wet. He knew a shelter nearby where he could spend the night and hopefully go back tomorrow to his place to see if anyone would write back, the voices told him so.

//

"He was right, he was fucking right." Carlos cursed, "I'll be fucking goddamned." He pointed to TK's full name written in the dirt. "It literally looks like he just did it too, how in the hell did we get this far...where on earth could he have gone...why would he leave us with just this...does he even know we are here?" Carlos had many questions with a huge weight being lifted off his shoulders.

"It is a severe case of what my sister had, he is leaving clues, he wants to be found, he wants you to prove to him that you want him..." Michelle answered knowing this is exactly what her sister did, she remembers all the stories and all the clues she was leaving behind and she knew Carlos remembered as he helped her every step of the way.

Carlos nodded with a soft sigh, "I just don't want him to have to keep running from me, I know every so often you can go and see your sister before you allow her to go home to where the voices want to keep her, but I can't do that with TK..." He admitted hoping he didn't hurt his best friend's feelings. 

"I actually kind of believe it'll be different with him, but my sister is stronger than you think and that I know TK is too, whatever it takes." Michelle nodded firmly. "Now it's obvious you need to write back to TK..." She handed him a stick, "Make it count."

 _Naranja._ Carlos wrote and gave a firm nod, he laughed just slightly knowing how dumb it was but then he had an even better idea, "Why don't we just stay here and wait for him?" He looked to Michelle like 'duh' aren't we stupid?!

Michelle laughed, "There's a reason for TK's madness, he did this on purpose. He wants to see if you are really here, he wants to see if someone will respond if anyone really is looking for him..." She explained, she knew about this all too well, her sister had so many explanations as to why she waited so long for her to admit to her sister why she hid like she did. "We're so close, Carlos. I think we should end the search for tonight and excessively do more tomorrow because I feel like we're going to close in on him knowing where he's going to go next..."

Carlos was slightly confused, more irritated than anything but also extremely tired from the flight and if this was what TK wanted then this was what was going to happen, he just hoped it wouldn't be too late...

But would it be too late or would he be just in time?

_If this is the last time, I've never been so terrified  
If this is the last time, I'll never look in your eyes..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> kudos, comments, thoughts, suspicions? what do you think will happen, i would love to know your theories...


	3. but as you sleep, and no one is listening i will lift you off your feet, i'll keep you from sinking, don't you wake up yet, cause soon i'll be leaving you soon but you won't be leaving me...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [♥](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WlfMigKigaY) _close your eyes, and I will be swimming  
>  lullaby's filled your room, and I will be singing  
> singing to only you  
> don't forget i'll hold your head  
> watch the night sky fading red_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i'm not entirely sure if this fic is going over well, but I'm very much going to finish it hopes yall will give it that chance.
> 
> **trigger warning: mentions of drug use, TK doesn't actually use it, just thinks about it briefly. please read with caution. also prepare for the angst.**

New York City had plenty of shelters to go to, but TK chose one in particular because he wanted to be found. He knew he'd see people here that he hadn't seen in well 3 years give or take. TK was in and out of rehab for the longest time, and when he was finally sober, the one person, in particular, to thank who worked at the shelter. He hoped he would be here, he had lost contact with him and he didn't remember how he did exactly. Hell, he didn't even know he moved to Texas until recently. He was having dreams of only Carlos, until the last dream about drowning. Then he talked to his imaginary friend, he hadn't talked to someone in a long time, so he hoped to god that he didn't take anything else because he wasn't remembering. The voices only came to him when he was high and no one believed him, so he knew he just needed to get into the shower while he was here and find someone he knew to talk to, someone anybody...

As soon as he finished the shower, he was entering the common room, and to his actual surprise, he was still there. "Caleb!" He said out loud, shouting and literally leaping into his arms.

His mentor could not believe it, how in the world did he get here? "Well, well, well, did Texas finally kick you out?" He asked him curiously, having no idea that TK was anywhere else.

"Wait...you know I was in Texas?" TK raised an eyebrow, not him too, knowing the truth.

"Uh yeah, your dad thought it was best, that you two go so you could get away from Alex because with or without him you ended up dead. You were doing so well. I told him a good guy there to give you the therapy you needed..." Caleb explained.

"Fuck," TK cursed his body starting to tremble this was more news that he did not know about.

"So um, I don't know about that...the only thing I remember is overdosing, dying, literally thought I was dying to wake up in Texas with no memory at all of who was there by my side. He said he was my fiance, I remembered his face...but I really didn't at first...now he's all I fuckin' dream about...like real memories...but I don't know if they are or I'm just really fucked up." TK swallowed after he admitted that to him. He hoped he'd believe him and not think he was tripping right now.

"Wow, TK, that's a lot. Did someone drug you and bring you back?" Caleb asked curiously trying to make sense of it, having TK take a seat down because if he started to pace it was a sign he could break down. He did this often when he was scared.

"I'm not sure?" TK made a slight face scratching his head a little, "...I didn't think much until I finally learned his name was Carlos. Then I went to go and see Alex...he told me things that I didn't necessarily want to hear, then we kind of umm, we yeah, I took some ecstasy...I wanted to feel...I'm so sorry." TK got up to start pacing, he couldn't control how he was feeling.

Caleb got him to sit again and held him a bit against the chair, "We need to go and get you tested, Alex's been around...he's been in and out of here, but he's been using pretty bad. Please tell me that's all you did?" He tried to remain calm, "I'll take you later to the hospital for some rapid tests." 

TK gritted his teeth, trying not to get himself worked up now that he knew he might have an STD or something. "Nothing else." He swallowed, taking a deep breath as he leaned back in the chair, "But there's something else...I found these letters, my mom was hiding them from me like I wouldn't find them, but I noticed her hiding the mail so I finally went to go and get them and they are bringing back the real memories of me..." TK added when he suddenly realized he didn't have the letters with him, "Oh my god where did I put them?! Oh shit!" He jumped up from the chair and dashed out of the common room to go check the shower, "Oh thank fuck," He cried out and ran back with his shoebox. 

Caleb laughed when he returned, "You weren't lying...I believed you though...this is a bit crazy to understand though...so you have no idea what you were doing in Texas?" 

"No. I finally had a memory I think though after I read a few letters. I was saving someone from drowning, I woke up like I was drowning, it was pretty intense...then my dad told Carlos that I was his son...which is relevant because I have another memory of the first time I met the guy, Carlos, where I said the same thing about him being my dad..." TK explained as much as he knew it probably wasn't going to make much sense to anyone else.

"That's very vivid, I believe you, TK. I know how strong you are and how you don't want to use anymore which is why I know you aren't high now. I was so devastated that you used and overdosed but I know for sure your dad had plans to help you there, and you actually were doing pretty damn good for yourself. You did keep in touch with me, and when you met Carlos you had stopped going to therapy and your dad gave me the updates. So, Carlos...I'm pretty sure he's your lifeline...he's your addiction...and you can't mess with that...that's why you are vividly dreaming about him." Caleb explained. 

"But the voices are here telling me to do bad things, why are the voices back. I didn't do anything but the ecstasy..." He whimpered a bit hearing one of them tell him that he didn't deserve to live. "I should just die." He said out loud. 

"No, TK. Remember who you are with Carlos." Caleb demanded and TK's eyes closed a memory surfacing out of nowhere.

_There were a few laughs right as the game started. TK ended up actually choosing to be a firefighter and skipped college, and all was going extremely well until he landed on having triplets. Carlos teased him but all in good fun. "I think you'll make an excellent father to triplets, what do you plan on naming them?" He asked his boyfriend very curiously to see if he could do something like this right off the bat._

_"Umm, I want two girls and a boy, their names would be, Taylor Kimberly, you know so she can also be called TK?" He started off in thought, "Our next girl would be named Michelle, after Michelle because she's so special to my dad and well all of us, and the boy, his name is Caleb just because I don't know...I really like that name." TK looked back up at Carlos after placing the pieces into the game piece with a small shrug._

_"That is so well thought out," Carlos was so incredulously happy at that, all of it, everything he thought about without even giving it much thought like he already had thought about it made this game completely worth playing while they were snowed in._

_"I did think about my future once, once I moved here, I wasn't really ready you know? But I met you...my life...it changed pretty drastically but in a really good way." TK spun the wheel to see what he landed on next, he moved 6 spaces and it said to take an action card, so he paused for a moment to read it. "You've just won an all exclusive trip to the Texas State Fair." He immediately started laughing, "...so I think this is fate."_

_Carlos took the card to read it for himself and looked back to TK with wide eyes, "Drastically but in a really good way?" He then asked wanting TK to continue spin the wheel and landed on the number 2 so he just rolled his eyes and moved two spaces that were just a place and nothing on it._

_TK swallowed, "Well, I didn't plan to get shot, I didn't plan to fall in love with you afterwards, I didn't plan to find someone I want to spend the rest of my life with after I thought I already had. With him, I should have known. He was acting all weird but I thought hey let me propose...do you know who he left me for? A dude in his spin class named Mitchell...like what a dick..." This was the first time TK was actually talking about since he relapsed. "I went home that night and I just I wanted to feel. My dad asked me I was trying to kill myself and the truth is I don't know if I was...that's why it was so hard for me to feel things with you. I wanted to be absolutely sure that this/us all of it was what I needed." TK shook his head a little slightly laughing uneasily._

_"I'm so glad you've finally told me this, TK. I'm truly honored to be your boyfriend you know, that you let me in, and that you understand that I would never leave you for some random cowboy or something..."_

_"A cowboy? Really?" TK snorted._

_"You are much sexier than any cowboy here in Texas, I can promise you that. Besides, when we first met I liked the mysteriousness of you. I didn't like what you did to yourself and I sure as hell wasn't going to let you break my heart either, but I think we make a pretty good team now." Carlos smirked a little and leaned in to press a kiss to his lips. "Aren't you glad you decided to play the game of LIFE with me?" He snickered just a little._

_"We do fit, Carlos. I love us. I love how you make me feel and how you treat me. I love how we can talk about anything. I love how I fell in love with you most of all." TK blushed._

_"When did you fall in love with me?" Carlos raised an eyebrow._

_"The night we laid there underneath the stars, you took my hand, and I just knew. I just always needed to hold your hand after that," TK admitted and leaned forward to press a kiss back to his lips and take both his hands in his. "Can we end here, I think we know how this game ends."_

TK's eyes opened as he gasped for air a bit, his body trembling against the chair, "I know how this game ends." He said. "I need him. I need Carlos." He gasped again for air before calming himself down visualizing the man he was in love with, all of that Carlos was. Damn, he longed for his touch. 

"That must have been some memory, I knew it would work." Caleb smiled softly, that's all you ever need to do think of him.

"I randomly wanted to name my child in the game of LIFE after you..." TK said in thought from the memory.

"Your daughter still Taylor Kimberly?" Caleb laughed remembering TK very much wanted kids of his own one day. 

"Yup, but we were having triplets so I decided to name the other girl Michelle after who my dad is seeing...I think? Oh god, no wait...they're married...they got married..." TK repeated himself and bounced in his seat. "I need to call him, I need to tell him I'm okay..." That was the first good thought TK had all day.

"I don't know why you didn't think of that sooner..." 

"Shutup, I still don't know half the shit I did in Texas..." He moaned, "Besides a guy named Carlos saved my life..." 

"He did." Caleb nodded softly, "Here is your dad's number, go and give him a call, but first come with me, we need to make sure you are clean and free of disease. I do not want you to see Alex ever again, do you hear me?" 

"I hear you loud and clear. I fucked up so bad, I don't ever want to tell Carlos." He grumbled as he followed Caleb to the rapid test center to make sure everything was okay. He really fucking didn't want to have anything wrong with him. He showered as quickly as he could when he got home and did again before he found Caleb. He didn't know anymore. "The rapid test only showed the traces of ecstasy and marijuana in his body...he was clean otherwise.

It was such a relief, as TK thanked his friend and mentor for everything yet again and promised he'd be back. "I want to go and call my dad while I'm at ground zero," TK told him while he grabbed his shoebox and headed out.

"Come back here to sleep okay, or wait, no take this money and get yourself the nicest hotel you can find for the night, on me," Caleb told him, "Just let me know you arrived?" 

"Promise." TK ran off going straight to Ground Zero knowing where it was from memory and the shelter was just a few blocks away. He found the spot he always went to with his dad, seeing all the people that he lost that day and it was always so sad but also bittersweet. They died saving people's lives. TK knew in his heart he loved to do it and he must have loved to do it in Texas...

He took a deep breath, leaning back against the wall, the soft sound of the water falling in the memorial was present too. "Hello? Dad?" He gasped just slightly when he heard his voice on the other end.

"TK?!" Owen gasped just the same. He didn't know what else to say or ask in the moment he definitely didn't expect it so soon.

"Um, yeah, I...I am okay." He swallowed and began breathing a bit heavily. 

"Carlos and Michelle found you? Do you remember your life here?" Owen didn't know what else to say exactly.

"Umm, no. Wait, what?! They're here?!" He gasped. "How?! Why didn't you tell me sooner?" TK also didn't know what else to say now.

"Breathe, TK. Please. Calm down. Just breathe." Owen told his son needing him to calm down before he said anything else knowing this was the only way he could.

"I'm breathing just fine." TK wasn't. The voices started. "Do you hear them? They don't want me here...this was a mistake." He was about to go insane.

"TK, no. Listen to me. Carlos and Michelle are there looking for you now. I'll get in touch with them...tell me where you are, please?!"

"Uh..." TK tried to speak but he felt like something was strangling him. "Where all our friends are, gone but never forgotten." He whimpered. "Like me," He faltered back against the wall, "Dad, I'm scared. I don't want to die." He pleaded with the voices in his head to shut up.

"Stay on the line, TK, keep talking to me. I won't let you die." Owen promised as he dialed on his home phone Michelle's cell number to tell her exactly where TK was and as quick as that she was hanging up and promised to be on her way. "TK, she's on her way, are you still there?" 

"They can't come, they won't allow it. I...I gotta go." TK hung up the phone and tried to run but he was running right into a police officer's arms. "Carlos?" He gasped.

"No, sorry, son, but I know you don't belong here right now...why don't you come with me?" The officer insisted on taking him inside the small office. "Tyler Kennedy is it? You certainly know how to make a scene..." 

"Uh, yeah, look I don't have time, I've gotta go. I promise I'll be alright. I just hear voices." He whispered and was as quick as he needed to be, it seemed like this was all part of a dream, the shoebox was still in his hands as he made his way towards the other side of the square of names on the wall and just opened another letter.

_Dear Ty, hey, just wanted to remind you that I'm here with you, I'm here with you even if you don't remember me. When you see one set of footprints, it's because I was carrying you...I'll always be in your heart taking care of you, please even if you don't remember me, try - just try to remember that night on the beach, I know from that look in your eyes that you could never forget that. I love you, TK Strand._

TK remembered alight, god he truly loved that night. He needed to go to the beach, but how? He thought about Carlos, he took a deep breath, visualizing their moment on the beach and he transcended himself there, mind, body, and soul. TK set the letter about the beach down on the ground and started to run away when he heard someone coming towards him. 

"There is no goddamn way that was him," Carlos stepped on the letter. 

"Carlos," Michelle put her hand on her shoulder a bit out of breath, pointing down to the letter he was stepping on. 

The police officer shook his head before picking it up, "Fuck." He hissed, "Now what?!" He could literally feel the tears swelling up. 

"Well, what does the letter say?" Michelle urged him to read it. Carlos let tears stream down his face when he started to read and realized it was the letter about him literally begging him to remember him. 

"I sounded so desperate but I was. I knew he wouldn't forget it." Carlos sniffled. 

"Carlos, stop, you are not desperate. Come on, it's obvious where TK is going," Michelle urged him to start walking again and they could go to every single beach they could think of.

"I swear if we end up on the right beach all we find is his name in the said that he was here...I am going to scream." Carlos was slightly laughing. To be honest, he felt like he was playing some kind of game with him, and this wasn't exactly fun...he just needed to know if TK really wanted to be found, and found to go back _home_...

Owen explained the correct beach to go to, it was on Long Island, TK had a love/hate relationship with the beach but if there was one thing he loved to do it was to watch the other couples be happy, and sometimes you couldn't get him to leave in hopes that he could potentially save someone from drowning or just in general. Carlos sighed deeply swearing that at that moment - finding out that information - he couldn't love the boy more - and just fell even deeper...

_in the car, the radio leaves me searching for your star  
a constellation of frustration driving hard  
singing my thoughts back to me_

TK took a long way to the beach but he still made it before Carlos, and he was quick to take his shoes off at the beginning on the sand. It was really cold out and he was starting to feel the cold but it didn't stop him from prancing around to leave footprints in the sand. He then drew in the sand with his foot a really big heart, and in the heart, he wrote "Find me," and slowly started to walk away. The beach was secluded enough that no one would stop him but little did he know there was someone looking to score. 

"You too?" The dude searched TK if he was selling.

"Me? Na." TK knew right away what the dude wanted. "I don't have anything you're looking for," 

"Why else would you be on the beach at dawn, in the cold? You need instead?" He offered him a dime bag size of coke. 

_Carlos is all in your head, he's fake. Take the coke, you want it so you can feel again. You need it. You need it more than you need Carlos._ The voices were literally screaming in his mind and he handed the guy the money in his hoodie pocket that he got from Caleb and ran with the dime-sized bag of coke. He started to run towards the boardwalk, the bad parts of the Broadwalk a place he knew all too well too. The bag still in his hand, just admiring it, looking at it, knowing it was wrong even with the voices screaming at him to snort it. He saw a bunch of other drug addicts, and he felt like he suddenly belonged remembering each and every time he got himself high this way. He was going to be okay - just a little taste. 

It wasn't for the footprints in the sand that lead him towards where he was Carlos would have never found him. Michelle kept herself back soon as she knew it was TK. This was all Carlos, this was his moment...TK was found. "TK! Don't you fucking dare snort that, I swear to fuckin' hell..." Carlos shouted, TK literally dropping the dime bag and put his hands up in the air. A random druggie snatched and started to run, all of them running away. "TK, put your hands down," Carlos did not want to have to do this, this is not how he planned their first meeting, and for all, he knew TK wouldn't even remember him. 

TK obeyed and turned around to look at the love of his life, "You can't be here," He said desperately, "Please don't let them take you away from me...I don't want to dream about you anymore, I want you to be real," He whimpered, his voice shaking.

"You aren't dreaming, Ty, I'm here. It's me." Carlos answered him softly walking up to him. 

_I'm lost at sea,  
The radio is jamming but they won't find me,  
I swear its for the best  
And then your frequency is pulling me in closer  
Til I'm home._

"You said, Ty. I'm Ty. I'm your Ty." TK breathed out loud, his voice trembling and he was falling right into Carlos' strong arms. "It's you," He cried. "It's really you, you found me." 

Carlos had tears streaming down his face and into TK's hair as he was clinging into him like he was, holding on for dear life as if he were to let go he would disappear. "I've got you, I've always had you, I never left you," Carlos promised, bringing TK up into his arms and cradled him. TK put his arms around his neck looking at him as if he was holding all the stars in the night sky in his eyes and Carlos was, but suddenly TK started to look frightened and tried to escape. He got free and Carlos blinked running after him, holding him down, "Stop, TK, please. It's okay..."

"I'm just dreaming. This is all just a stupid dream." TK was shouting. "You will hate me when you find out what I did." 

"No, I won't hate you. I already know." Carlos promised, trying to get him up.

"But if I open my eyes you'll just be gone again," TK pleaded, attempting to find his grip. "I need the drugs," He pleaded. "Just give them to me and I'll be okay..."

Carlos felt helpless at that moment in time but he knew what he had to do, he didn't want him to escape so he grabbed him the way he would if he was a criminal and managed to drag him to the shore and the hotel looking over the Broadwalk. 

He was going to remind TK just who he was...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please, let me know if you guys like it? i know sometimes commenting takes time, but i really would like to know what you think. thank you. <3 next chapter might just be what you guys need.


	4. and i just wanna fall again and i just wanna learn to fly so i can love you like i never did...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [♥](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_-43FHSJf_Q) _I wait outside your life, holding on to memories of everything you were to me and how I watched you, do you think of me? Do you feel the way I do before I sleep? I close my eyes and open them with you..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter is an emotional one, have some tissues, please! 
> 
> **trigger warning: tk is coming down fully from the ecstasy. drug references mention.**

The view was extraordinary looking outside the window, he didn't plan to bring TK here but it was the only option completely away from it all as Carlos really wanted TK to be reminded that he was going to be okay as long as he was with him. The view of TK was an even better one, just having him back...still took his damn breath away. TK fought and fought trying to get away from Carlos complaining that he was hurting him, and if Carlos was he didn't care and suddenly TK was fainting in his arms as if he took something right before Carlos found him. He wasn't sure if he did and he wasn't going to be upset about it, he just needed TK to lay down and relax. He wasn't worried now that he was finally calm, just passed out, and he finally looked peaceful.

Michelle wished Carlos her best because she needed to go and make all the phone calls to Owen to tell him they found their son. She also helped Carlos undress TK out of his dirty clothes and decided to wash them for him, besides she really needed a distraction herself, really missing Owen and the baby. "I'm so proud of you, you actually found him," She patted his back and handing what was in TK's hoodie pockets. "Looks like he still had some pills here, a cell phone, and this phone number, the name is Caleb. You should give him a call," She mentioned. "Oh and don't forget his shoebox!" 

"Wait, Caleb? That name sounds really familiar...oh my god...TK wanted to name his son Caleb..." Carlos remembered. "I wonder who he is." 

"Better get to calling him, it could connect all the dots," Michelle smiled softly and headed to do her thing. 

Carlos tucked TK into the covers, leaving his chest exposed to watch him breathe. Watching him breathe was everything. He couldn't think of doing anything else, but he knew he had to figure out who this Caleb was so he was dialing him up on this phone TK had...having no idea where it even came from because it had no one he recognized...but then he saw text messages from Alex to TK...this was Alex's phone. Did TK steal it? Carlos grumbled actually seeing the text message that made TK run that day. He decided to not call on that phone and literally toss it into the garbage. He dialed Caleb from his phone and hoped he would pick up...

"Hello?" Caleb answered, always answering his phone no better what. He never knew when someone might be in trouble. He took care of everyone who needed him.

"Um, hello, is this Caleb?" Carlos' asked nervously and he wasn't sure why he was exactly.

"Yes, it is. How can I help you?" Caleb's voice seemed very genuine.

"My name is Carlos, I am TK Strand's umm, well I used to be his fiance...ah, well I guess I still am right?" He laughed nervously.

Caleb laughed too, "Carlos! It's so nice to finally meet you, I've heard a lot about you from TK, what an amazing guy you are, please tell me you are calling me to tell me you have TK in your custody." 

Carlos swallowed, wow, he didn't know what to say, "I do actually, that's why I was calling. In his pockets I found a few things, one being some pills that look like E, the other is these test results...it says he's clean of STDs but still has traces of marijuana and E." Carlos swallowed, "How long ago did he take the E?"

"It had to be the night before, and I do believe he had some before coming here, he was a little bit on edge. He should be coming down from it now..." Caleb thought. "I should have checked his pockets before he left huh? I'm sorry about that...is he okay?"

"Yeah, he's passed out, he's breathing heavily, I'm just concerned. He also had Alex's phone on him, not one of his own, very suspicious, but again I'm thinking he just took for evidence or something..." Carlos laughed again nervously.

"He's always thinking ahead, but listen to me Carlos, you need to take care of him. You need to get him out of here, soon as he regains all of his memories just take him home...that's Texas by the way...you're his home." Caleb reminded him.

"Believe me, I will. Thank you so much for that too, and for taking care of him while you could." Carlos hung up and looked back at TK, his breathing was still soft, the rise and fall of his chest was so calming to Carlos. Gently he placed his palm on his stomach, touching and caressing him just gently. 

TK stirred, his throat making a soft moan as if to say he was enjoying it. TK was in a middle of a very vivid dream of them. 

_"Come for me," Carlos breathed into his mouth._

_TK groaned again, closing his eyes._

_"Come. For. Me. Ty."_

_His thighs tightened around his hand as he began to come. Carlos continued to rub his dick with his other hand. Each circuit of his thumb caused him to clench again and again. His back arched in tension. His head pressed back against his shoulder, baring his throat. He grunted and groaned, then his body simply went limp. Carlos felt his heart pounding within his chest. TK panted against his shoulder. Carlos held TK to him and hugged him tightly as he kissed his forehead and nuzzled his head with his chin, rocking him gently in his lap._

_“Carlos, I fucking love you.” He finally breathed out._

_“I fucking love you too, Ty,” Carlos answered him and he went and nuzzled against his chest. A little drowsily, “Carlos. I Want. You. To. Fuck. Me.” TK breathed._

_"I thought you would never ask," Carlos smirked._

_TK breathed in deeply, catching his breath one last time._

_“I'm ready,” TK added looking to him with need._

_Carlos patted his thigh. "Stand up."_

_As he did, Carlos joined him, standing behind him, kissing the back of his neck putting his hands upon his shoulders, and gently guided him to his knees and as TK knelt there against the chair, his elbows in the seat, Carlos removed his own pants and boxers and he knelt behind him as leaned over him and kissed him between his shoulder blades. His hands smoothed along TK's sides and reached his hips, grasping them tightly. TK groaned as he began to take his time, always teasing him as he smoothed his hands over his body from behind. TK's hips rocked back in presentation of himself to him. Taking his cock in hand, Carlos guided the tip to his backside. He rubbed the head up and down him to moisten it but also to tease him as he pressed the swollen head to his entrance as and then without saying anything, he entered him with near agonizing precision, slipping in inch by inch. He held himself inside of TK enjoying the sensation of his warmth. Carlos felt his heartbeat mixing with his lover as their skin touched at these most intimate spots. He was inside the man Carlos cared for most - the body and mind Carlos treasured most. Carlos had him for the taking. To desire. To possess. To love. To fuck. Carlos held onto his hips as he began to stroke within him. His mouth had quenched his immediate lust earlier in the evening and so he felt no need to rush now. He could be artful in the fuck._

_Carlos moved slowly._

_Strongly._

_His cock pressed deep into him, and then pulled out until the head almost slipped from him. Over and over._

_Carlos caressed his back as he thrust into him. His hand tangled in his hair. "Fuck, just like that, Papi, please don't stop." TK was finally speaking in pleasure. His body writhing back when he would tease him like that and move back in slowly._

_TK mewled._

_"So hot."_

_He groaned._

_"So wet."_

_He moaned._

_Carlos felt the fire of his orgasm building quickly. This one -- this second one -- would literally burn through him, Carlos knew there was nothing more than TK needed except for him to come inside of him._

_He began to move faster for him, knowing he loved it rough like this, continuing thrust at him, grunting with each stroke, clutching his hips back to him._

_Getting so close._

_Carlos could feel the tension building in his also._

_He panted._

_Carlos thrust._

_His fingers knotted in the chair covering, clutching and releasing as he knew he would soon._

_Carlos arched his back to deepen his thrusts._

_So close._

_Carlos felt the twitching at the base of his spine..._

_...then the rush of fluid._

_"Ty...oh fuck," Carlos breathed pumping inside of him all of what he had left._

_Pouring into him._

_The hot wash shot fire into his mind. TK clutched at his cock, as he came with him. He cried out as they were throbbing together, panting together, their hearts raced with each other as Carlos eased down against him and then dragged TK to the floor with him, his cock still hard inside as he held him close to him and kissed his neck behind his ear, it sending one last shiver through TK's body before he turned his lips to his boyfriend and kissed him deeply with soft whimpers until their bodies calmed down. "I really like rainy days," TK mumbled against his lips._

With that TK woke up gasping, choking a bit, his eyes wide searching for where he was, Carlos looking right at him with no words but his eyes staring at him, "TK!" He finally said waving his hand a bit in front of his face.

"Wow, that, was, I mean, it was, you, holy fuck..." TK was stuttering all over the place. "We were fucking," He said in a whisper as if it were a secret. "I swear no one can fuck me like that," TK was still very much high from his E.

Carlos laughed, he couldn't help it. He was also kind of nervous. "TK, do you remember me?" He instantly regretted his question, he sounded so stupid. 

"You’re the guy from my dreams, we never had sex like that before though," He wiggled himself a bit out of the covers. "Did you strip me of my clothes?" He pulled up the blanket to hide.

"Yes, it's currently being washed, I had to tackle you in the sand, you weren't cooperating." Again Carlos wished he didn't say that. This was weird. He had no idea if TK even remembered that. 

"Oh that's right, it's okay, I forgive you...my shoebox...WAIT WHERE IS MY SHOEBOX!" TK panicked frantically. 

Carlos didn't want to laugh but he did anyway, "It's safe, TK. It's over there." He pointed to the nightstand.

"It has all these letters from my fiance, and it's very special to me." He mumbled leaning over and gripping it. He then looked to Carlos and looked down at his letters, "Wait aren't you my fiance?" He titled his head. 

"I was, technically...I didn't think you believed that part yet..." Carlos reached out to caress him, touching his arm ever so softly. TK stirred right into his touch. It felt so euphoric and addicting, his entire body quivering at the longing for that. 

"I'm not dreaming am I?" TK made a face. 

"You aren't." Carlos moved closer, testing the waters, taking him in completely into his arms. TK was instantaneously wrapped around him, making him touch him even more and when he did his entire body decided to shake with anticipation. "You really like that?" Carlos asked curiously playing softly against his hip.

"It's like, I mean you feel like, you feel like heaven...you feel like home." TK breathed him in, his body exhaling immediately. "You smell like home, you are my home and I don't want to be here...where am I?" He groaned a little after he spoke.

"We're on Long Island, but I do plan to take you home as soon as you remember who you are...who are with me, the 126, our engagement, the 126 at our engagement...cuz that was actually pretty hilarious." Carlos was hoping he wasn't confusing him as he was talking to him.

"You proposed to me under a beautiful night sky, there was a lot of white, it was your mother's doing. I told you yes because it was the moment you took my hand that night underneath the stars that I knew I could spend forever with you..." TK remembered exactly that, lacing his fingers with Carlos and his whole world seemed to fall into place. "I love holding your hand, it's the only thing that makes sense," He whimpered a little bit bringing Carlos' palm up to kiss it. "Read me a letter?" He then asked curiously nudging the shoebox on the bed.

Carlos couldn't say anything at the moment, his eyes were watering softly, the way TK was taking his breath away quite literally and he didn't even realize it. Carlos could have swore himself that he was dreaming or something too. But he gave a nod and took out a letter, _Dear Ty, hey, today I was thinking about our engagement, and how nervous I was. I literally spent days planning everything out and I don't think I even said half the things I wanted to say, but when you said yes, you actually said a few other things that really made me think, you told me, "I promise to hold your hand regardless of what happens because it was the night you took my hand that made me realize...I fell in love with you, and not only that, I fell in love with my own life, be with me always Carlos, yes, I will marry you," and I can't think about you not remembering you said that I just can't. We are in love, Ty, and I'm starting to feel desperate...I don't know what to do if you never remember me..._ Carlos swallowed a little, licking his lips nervously, his eyes looking at TK softly before he looked down to take TK's engagement ring out of the box. He literally thanked his lucky stars that here it was still there after all this shoebox went through. "Tyler Kennedy, will you marry me..." He asked him again and TK's teared up within literal seconds, shaking his head up and down fiercely. He couldn't even say yes, he was just watching the ring slip back on his finger. Carlos immediately started shaking, this had to be one of his own dreams. 

_And I don't like the sound  
Of our feet on the ground  
Unless we're running to the edge of something  
New for you and me  
And I just wanna fall again  
And I just wanna learn to fly  
So I can love you like I never did_

TK noticed how Carlos was looking at him. "It's okay," TK reached out to take Carlos' hand back in his eyes, "I remember you, I can't believe I even chose to forget you. When you touch me, I'm on fire. I just want to fall right back in love with you like I am, _please_ kiss me." TK's body trembled as he spoke, giving Carlos all of him. 

Carlos took in a soft breath, listening to what he said, and moved in, his lips pressing ever so gently on TK's lips. TK faltered his body trembling, even more, biting down on Carlos' lip to take it into his mouth as he let out a breathless moan, " _Kiss me_..." He pleaded latching himself on Carlos' shirt, and that was all it took for Carlos to let go every single emotion he had into the kiss, he too trembling as the kiss went on feverishly - both of the moaning and whimpering loudly into each other's mouth. As TK slowly pulled back to breathe, he looked to Carlos with those stars in his eyes again, "When you touch me, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. I tried to explain that to someone, but they just didn't think it was possible," 

"It's possible, it's possible because I know that's the whole reason why you always take my hand into yours," Carlos answered TK assuring him that he would never let go whenever he reached for it.

"Remember our first time? The way we were so aggressively slamming into each other against every single wall of your house? I never felt that way before, I wasn't on anything. I wasn't doing anything, I just met you...I was so addicted, Carlos." TK confessed.

"How could I forget our first time? You openly gave yourself to me, it was incredible. You were so passionate it, I fell hard. I even told you to text me," Carlos blushed.

"Oh yeah, I remember that, didn't I like casually decline you driving me in your police car." TK kind of blushed hiding his face.

But Carlos really blushed to bury his face into his neck, "At least you called me cute then corrected yourself a little and called me hot before leaving." Carlos smirked pressing a soft kiss to TK's jaw. "I'm really happy you remember that though,"

"I don't think I could ever forget it...I left because I was afraid of commitment, and now I know why being here in New York...UGH." TK made a face and shook his head slightly. "I literally fucked up trying to back to him, I'm so sorry that I did...I hope you're not mad at me." He pouted.

"I kind of was, but not mad at you, just really upset that you got yourself caught up in his lies...again...you have traces of E on you...that hurts me more than you'll ever know..." Carlos answered trying not to cry on him again.

TK frowned reaching up with his free hand to touch Carlos' hair. "That's the thing with you I don't need it. I literally feel so fucking amazing with you, I'm addicted to you. I hate that I ever forgot who you were to me." TK admitted again telling Carlos again just how sorry he was for forgetting.

"It's not your fault you forgot, it's the stupid Ferris Wheel." Carlos practically growled.

TK rubbed his head where the small bump still was, "I don't remember much of that yet...I kept feeling like the back of my head hurt and I had a lot of headaches and my mom would give me pain meds, and I think that made things worse..." TK sighed softly. "She really is on my shitlist for keeping you from me, she didn't want me to remember you..." He caressed Carlos' cheek and he was just beginning to kiss him again, his entire body craving and needing him and when they parted he was out of breath again. "Carlos?" TK questioned softly, his blue eyes were looking into those dark brown ones that he always felt like told a story.

"Yeah, Ty?" Carlos raised a brow, looking back into the ocean that was literally TK's eyes as they looked at him.

"I'm in love with you is all," TK took a breath as he said that. "I also really needed to hear you say ' _Ty_ '..." 

"It's still safe coming out of my mouth?" 

"The safest." TK murmured and fell forward clinging on to Carlos and instinctively Carlos began caressing him and touching him every second he could. TK yawned quietly and nestled against his fiance's chest. "I need this forever," He closed his eyes, holding on tightly to him. "I'm falling in love with you all over again, it feels like I've been skydiving and I've finally landed back in your arms, you can't let go."

"I promise, I won't let go." Carlos rocked him just slightly as he too was falling fast asleep knowing he needed this, he hadn't slept in months in constant fear that TK would never remember him, he just hoped when he woke up this wouldn't be one big dream of his.

\--

"Oh my god, Owen, hold on I have to text you this..." Michelle snapped a picture of the two lovebirds literally clinging on to each other monkeys. "I guess TK is safe and sound now for good..." She sighed happily on the phone to her husband.

"That is incredible. I am so happy he has remembered Carlos, I do hope he's going to remember the rest of his life here, I need him to come home." Owen really missed him too. "He hasn't missed much, he'll fit right back in where he belongs,"

"I know," Michelle whispered, "Well, I guess in the morning we can see what's happening, didn't realize it was that late. Did KT go down okay?" 

"Like a log, she whined a little missing your soft voice singing to her, but I think she likes me." Owen joked. "TK is going to remember his little sister too," 

"I can't wait to be home with you and our little one, and these two." Michelle showed them off once more before promising Owen over and over they'll be okay and that she loves him and misses him. She then took another picture of the boys fast asleep, she wanted them to see for themselves just perfect and peaceful they looked. There was hope for the best, and she hoped for their wedding finally... 

_And I just wanna skydive  
Right into your life  
Seeing the whole world by your side  
I wanna skydive  
Right into your life  
Seeing the whole world by your side  
We can skydive..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i truly hope you all liked this chapter, it was so very special for me to write. my whole headcanon is Carlos literally being TK's reason/drug. <3 comments are love. <3


	5. i will bend every light in this city and make sure they're shining on you...

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [♥](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kz9UBfXmXsM) _You say love is what you put into it  
>  You say that I'm losing my will  
> Don't you know that you're all that I think about?  
> You make up a half of the whole_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this chapter starts off with an actual scene from the show as if TK is dreaming to remember it. i used my own thoughts behind the line for you to feel what they are thinking...if that makes sense. so all credit goes to the writers for that, and i hope you like the added touch i did.
> 
> this chapter also has a lot of hate and made up shit towards alex and mitchell. i really did it just to make this story, so i don't really know what happened...i made it all up. 
> 
> lastly **trigger warning: referencing and a mention of drug abuse, usage, and overdosing.**

_“I’m not trying to be your boyfriend, or your friend if you’re not into it. But you should talk to someone about why you felt compelled to do something so...suicidal…” Carlos spoke softly to TK trying his hardest not to make him hate him any more than he did right now. He almost trembled at the word suicidal._

_TK looked at Carlos wanting to speak, but if he was being completely honest with himself, he was smitten, afraid to say something to disappoint him too. And Carlos was still staring him down too before TK even wanted to say what he wanted to say, “You got a little crud there,” Carlos motioned to his mouth. Trying to remove it himself, TK really just wanted to save himself more embarrassment, “Other side.” Carlos mentioned as TK shot him a look – wondering why he just didn’t get up and leave but Carlos immediately got annoyed again. “Stop, just let me,” He said and did it for him softly, staring at him still, god why did he keep looking at him like that, TK was so lost as to why he was being so nice to him when he already treated him horribly._

_“Thanks,” TK muttered as he looked over at him again, his voice getting softer, “I’m sorry I went crazy on you the other night,”_

_“I’m a cop, I’m used to crazy.” Carlos instantly defended himself trying so hard not to admit that he had feelings for him because really he did, he avoided eye contact this time._

_“Look, I just got out of a really bad breakup, like nuclear bad,” TK breathed looking at him with soft eyes, “Then I relapsed…”_

_“You mean with me?” Carlos questioned still not looking at him._

_“No!” TK swore and that’s when Carlos's eyes finally found TK but he wasn’t looking at him._

_“I mean with substances…” TK played with the tissue in his hand for a moment afraid to look at him._

_“Right, which explains the reaction to the champagne...I’m such an idiot...I’m sorry..okay--” Carlos immediately blamed himself._

_“It’s fine. It’s fine.” TK interrupted him and they were looking at each other again. “Ever since I got here, it’s just gray...and I just feel numb all the time, “TK answered. He didn’t know what else to say. Being with Carlos felt amazing, he wished he could do it again, he wished he could feel again, but he can’t admit that – not now – not here. TK sighed deeply looking at Carlos softly shrugging just lightly, “I guess I wanted to feel something…” He admitted and hoped that in someway Carlos understood just how he did feel and when he didn’t for that brief second TK got himself up to and leave._

_“Judging by that lip, I say mission accomplished,” Carlos joked because he didn’t know how else to feel himself. But he knew TK would get his humor, understand him, and hope that they could eventually just find that spark he knows he felt._

_TK glared at him for a second, “You’re really busting my balls right now?”_

_“Yeah, I guess I am.” Carlos stayed serious, surprised himself that he did._

_When life takes its own course  
Sometimes we just don't get to choose  
I'd rather be there next to you  
Promise you'll wait for me, wait for me  
Wait 'til I'm home_

TK gasped, flinging himself onto his fiance, immediately waking him up. “It’s okay, Ty, I’m here…” Carlos promised.

“No, this wasn’t, well it kind of was, the look in your eyes was, you were so disappointed in me. I was such a dick to you...wait was I? I remember how I just wanted to feel something – anything – and didn’t want to go to you for it again so I got into this bar fight and you were the one to book me and I told you the truth about how I felt and you just let me. How could you let me say that to you!” TK pouted shaking Carlos slightly as he was clinging to him.

Carlos knew exactly what he was talking about, that was definitely something he wanted to forget. He could barely remember how he felt except for the fact that he was trying so hard to stop feeling like he was. “I didn’t want you to hate me as much as I thought you already did. I also didn’t want you to think I was in any way going to hurt you like _him_.” Carlos made a face, hating now more than anything who exactly “him” was. And how he literally wanted to punch him out twice for breaking TK”s heart like that. 

“Yeah, you know what’s so fucking crazy about that? I kept thinking in my head just kiss me already just make the pain go away, and then you just – you didn't say a fucking word to me.” TK whimpered, faltering against Carlos. “...you did decide to bust my balls though, that’s when I knew you weren’t going to give up on me.” TK brushed his nose against Carlos's shoulder and kissed his collarbone before it reached his mouth to kiss him with instant concupiscence.

Carlos whimpered and moaned into the kiss deepening it himself, his body colliding itself with TK’s to keep him so safe in his arms. “I will always bust your balls, you know that.” Carlos joked but was all the more serious too, “Ty, my only intention was for you to find something that kept you away from the drugs, the substances, everything of who you were then, you now belong in Texas, you don’t belong here.” Carlos whispered against his lips as he spoke. 

“I belong with you, you are my _home_ ,” TK swore and let out a soft breath to kiss Carlos once more before he slowly was getting himself out of bed to use the bathroom. Already Carlos was missing his warm embrace and pouting for him to return. TK was back in his arms within seconds after washing his hands, “I missed you,” He admitted not even knowing just how Carlos felt.

Carlos’ breath hitched as his body trembled against TK’s, “Shut up, I literally missed you more,” He admitted too and buried himself into the other man trying to hide his smile. 

“Oh yay, you two are up!” Michelle was making her way back inside with her key and the two of them jumped slightly from the bed to sit up. “Oops, I should have said I was coming back in, but I promise I listened on the other side of the door to make sure you two weren’t doing anything…”

Carlos laughed shaking his head, he truly loved his best friend. 

TK looked to Michelle as if he was trying to remember some things and smiley slowly crept at his features, “So you’re my mom now, huh?” 

Michelle blinked, her entire body froze right then and there because she wasn’t sure what TK truly meant with that, more than anything would have loved to be considered his mother especially after all this. “Well, I did marry your father, and you do have a baby sister,” She said instead.

“I know, and she just turned one year old before my coma?” TK asked.

“Yes, and 6 more months have passed, she’s officially 1 and half years old,” Michelle smiled. “Do you remember her name?” She walked a little closer.

“Kadience Taylor,” TK answered.

“And we call her KT, as we call you TK.” Michelle laughed happily, she couldn’t believe TK was remembering this. It felt like a miracle. “Carlos really is that one person that can make you remember everything...I didn’t think you were going to be able to remember all that fast.”

“It’s all coming back to me, little by little, mostly in dreams is the stuff with Carlos but the little details about my life in Texas have just been surfacing all morning before I ended up in a dream about Carlos again, like who is Marjan and Paul and Mateo...they all are so unique each and everything single one of them just made me feel like I belong there and not here...and there’s Judd who seems to have busted my balls one too many times and I actually liked being bullied but not as much as finding Carlos...if that makes sense...none of this really does.” TK ended up just reminding himself of everything he’d been thinking about as he gradually came back. 

“You do belong wherever you want to belong,” Carlos mentioned looking to him so softly, “I also hate that your mother kept this from you, all of it, and us, especially knowing she didn’t even notice you were gone…” Carlos got a little angry in thought.

“She was supposed to remind you of us, Texas, and all the special memories you had there, but I guess she got really selfish,” Michelle added.

“What boggles my mind most is that I couldn’t even trust my therapist, it wasn’t who I was used to going to but I didn’t know that at the time...I don’t belong here...she is going to have to just deal with me going back to Texas, that’s it.” TK nodded firmly knowing exactly where he belonged now. 

“I’m going to go and head over there to let her know just what we are doing because your father also has some words he needs to tell her,” Michelle let them know. "You two need to get something to eat and find a nice place to enjoy each other’s company some more to bring back more memories. I also have paperwork that I got for TK to sign so we can take him back to Texas...long story short it wasn’t easy but we have all the proof we need now that you don’t belong in this environment anymore.” Michelle said with a promise in her voice. 

“Thank you so much, Michelle.” TK and Carlos said in unison and looked at each other incredulously and ended up in a fight of giggles and that was all Michelle needed to hear to be on her way again.

\---

TK and Carlos decided they were in the mood for some Sushi and Bubble Tea, and TK knew just the place so they were on their way to go and enjoy downtown for a bit. It felt amazing to be holding hands in the streets of New York with his fiance, something he’d never ever imagined he get to do. He never did this kind of thing with Alex or even his friends, and usually, when he was browsing the streets of New York he was looking to get high. While trying to get sober always made things worse and caused the rift behind him and Alex so he just decided that he wasn’t going to think about that but think about the good and having Carlos with him now – the one he was going to spend the rest of his life with.

“Last time we sat and drank bubble tea together, you were very distant,” Carlos smirked a little to see if remembered that. 

And TK did, all too well, “Yeah, I do recall that being the moment I really didn’t know what I wanted to do but then I saved this lady in this bus accident, and I know that’s where it all became a full circle, everything slowly started to come back to me after that memory and that’s when I left...I was only running from the voices in my head actually…” TK mentioned trying not to sound too crazy.

“Do you still hear them?” Carlos asked genuinely curious.

“Not like you would think...sometimes they’re there to help me...but there are bad voices too, but that doesn’t classify me as crazy. Because the good outweighs the bad when I’m around you. I just feel as if finding you were meant to cure my addiction to anything else. You are my addiction and that’s so very clear to me now.” TK swore, nodding firmly.

Carlos put his hand over his chest to feel his heart beating a mile a minute, his eyes got soft and he felt like he could cry because that truly the best thing he’d heard since he’d met TK besides his words about holding his hand after he had proposed to him. “Ty, I want nothing more but to be your addiction, whenever you feel like something could make you feel that way just take my hand,” Carlos reached out over the table.

TK quickly did so as together they laced their fingers. There wasn’t anything to be said now as they quietly gazed into each other’s eyes while eating their sushi and enjoying all of the time that they missed. Carlos was so content in this moment knowing TK had finally come back to him. Nothing else mattered and TK was ready to go _home_.

Their walk back to TK’s old city apartment where he was staying with his mom wasn’t too far from here and TK didn’t forget the way. He kept his hand locked with Carlos as they enjoyed the new and old buildings and TK was explaining everything that he remembered when there was a sudden scream of help coming from one of the Gyms. TK literally and unconsciously dropped Carlos’ hand to go and help like the Firefighter/Paramedic that he was! Carlos couldn’t stop him, knowing TK very well needed to do this and find his place again in his field. 

“He just fainted, he was on the bike and he just fainted!” The girl announced. 

“It’s okay, mam, I know CPR,” TK answered and started to check his vitals. He was breathing but definitely dehydrated. “Could you get some water?” He asked before he started to give him mouth to mouth instinctively while pushing his chest up and down until he started to choke and come to. TK smiled softly and handed him the water quickly, “Can you tell me your name?” He held on to his wrist checking his pulse. 

“Mitchell, what happened to me?” He shook his head disoriented but TK also fell back completely disoriented himself all of sudden because no way fucking way, not the Mitchell….

“Um, I don’t know...you fainted...she screamed for help.” TK closed his eyes and wiped his mouth and looked to Carlos to help him up off of the floor because his body just didn’t want to move now. Carlos got the hint right away and brought TK into his arms. 

Mitchell then started to have a seizure his body starting to shake, TK having no idea what to do now because he wasn’t going to anything more. Shit. “Do something!” The girl shouted. Carlos called 911 for them and New York City cops and ambulances showed up at the scene. The paramedics got him to stop seizing while knowing that he did this quite often because of taking substances before teaching his spin class. 

TK didn’t know why he was still standing there, latching for dear life on to Carlos because they could have been long gone by now but he knew that he might have to stay to ask some questions but everything just happened so fast as he started to remember how Alex would get like this and he would have to try and save him without calling the cops because he didn’t want them to know. Now he knew where he was getting the drugs from. Fuck.

“Oh my god, Mitchell...I would have come sooner...I don’t know if you were texting me or what I lost my phone or I think TK stole it from me when he was here…” Alex was already lying when he noticed that he wasn’t alone and everyone was watching and cops were already there ready to arrest him.

“Wait a minute, why would TK have your phone?” Mitchell asked suddenly realizing what just had happened.

“I stole it, he’s telling the truth, but he obviously didn’t tell you that I am TK...or that I was here…” TK actually spoke up, and a cop that TK knew quickly made his way over to him.

“Why did you steal it?” Alex had nothing else to say. 

“Because I needed it to find Caleb and then use it call my dad but somehow I lost in between here and there...oops?” TK shrugged.

“Are you for real right now? Ughhhh. Well, now you know who Mitchell is...how does it feel?” Alex truly had no concept of reality.

“You are so high right now and there’s literally cops here, Alex. Take a look at yourself. Look at the guy you left me for and look at the person you’ve become because of him...get help.” TK just went off. He couldn’t stand the thought of ever being with him ever again or the fact that he actually loved him. 

“I broke it off Alex quite a few months ago, but when he decided that not even you wanted him, I guess I took him back, after all the best sex we have is when we’re high…” He said with an oops face realizing the cops were right there.

“That’s all the evidence we need right now, it’s good to see you TK, get your ass back in Texas, tell your dad we said hello.” The officer said and Carlos couldn’t help but laugh just a little bit. “Have any last words?”

“Yeah,” Alex went to go and spit on TK but he was quick to move out of the way. 

“You did not just try and do that,” Carlos snarled. “I swear to god if I wasn’t a cop myself I would just punch you out right now,” 

The cop holding Alex in custody had to laugh, “What stays in New York stays in New York,” He was half-joking but in reality, this was already a shit show because TK missed a hell of a lot with these two after he left. 

“Na, you know what, I’m not going to stoop down to his level of idiocy. But so help me god if you ever step foot in Texas, I will have so many people after you,” Carlos raised his voice as TK gripped his hand.

“Don’t give him ideas, but my father would be so quick to want to kick his ass too.” TK wiggled his eyebrows. “Get him out of here, Doug. These two deserve each other in prison for however long you can keep them.” TK held on to Carlos’ hand tighter finally leaving the spin class. “I am so sorry that happened, I need to go wash my mouth out with soap...I should have spit back with Mitchell’s germs.” He made another face.

“I’m so disgusted at this life you could potentially have been in if I didn’t come sooner, TK.” Carlos was still very much upset with all of what just happened. 

“I was never like this, I know I wasn’t. I got high a lot to stop the pain of the constant fear that no one would love me.” TK admitted. “When Alex showed the least bit attention in me, I fell hard and fast until it was just about the drugs, then when I became a Firefighter I got sober, I was doing so well, everything was perfect except for Alex being different around me, I thought maybe he just wanted to be loved as I did so I thought proposing was the best option...you know what happens from there...I don’t want to talk about it anymore, but please don’t hate me, Carlos, please.” TK tugged on his arm and stopped him in the middle of the sidewalk to look at him. 

“I don’t hate you. I could never hate you, TK. I just hate what you had to go through. I’m just so grateful you finally decided to let me in that day and to hear you say that you love me for the first time underneath the stars was the perfect ending to that horrific day. I can’t lose you again, Ty. I can’t let you stay here a second longer, your mother better realize that.” Carlos kissed him quickly, urging him to continue walking. They had finally reached his house and they were running up the steps hand in hand right inside to see Michelle and Gywn having a civil conversation. Carlos sighed in relief. TK leaned into him and couldn’t help it as he glared at his mom as if to say _I found him, now what?_

“TK, Carlos,” Michelle nodded, “Gywn here has agreed that TK is safer in Texas. I told her everything, she even talked to your father. She isn’t proud of what she did, she realizes by protecting you she was only making it worse.” 

“Yes, what she said is correct, I am very sorry for keeping your letters as well, Carlos. I did plan to give them to TK, I just didn’t want him to leave so fast, a mother can miss her son, but what TK went through in just 3 days proves to me he needs to be here feels most comfortable.” Gywn added very apologetically.

TK was playing with his engagement ring in his hand nervously realizing his mom had even kept this from too. “It’s okay, mom, but I am so happy that you are allowing me to go where I belong...which is with Carlos and my second family in Texas.” TK nodded softly, “But you are more than welcome to come to the wedding because if you love me and want to support my decisions you need to know that Carlos is the best decision I clearly have ever made.” TK said proudly.

Gywn nodded happily, tears welling in her eyes as she got up immediately to hug her son. Apologizing over and over again before she reached out to give Carlos a hug as well, “Please take care of him in the best way that you can, I know you will. I saw it all in your letters just how much you loved him,” She acknowledged before taking a seat down again, “And Michelle, thank you for giving Owen all of the love and support that needs. You are an angel, I really see what he sees in you.” Gywn became unselfish. It was just so easy with everything she was realizing.

Michelle nodded smiling so big, so happy that she got through to Gywn like that. She just had a natural knack for that kind of thing. “Thank you, I am very happy to have helped you. It is time for us to go because I miss my daughter so much, oh and Owen too.” She winked a little...just teasing.

And with that, they were seriously on their way to the airport. TK couldn’t stop thanking Michelle enough for whatever she did to make his mom realize where he belonged. Carlos still in complete shock over what happened all in just one day that he really could not wait to get himself back home.

Upon boarding the plane, Carlos stayed ever so tightly to TK with the way TK was latching on to him. He knew he didn’t want to think about today’s events either which was probably why he was clinging so hard like he was. “I feel like I’m leaving something behind,” TK swallowed checking his pockets, feeling for his engagement ring, and looking to Carlos a little frantically. 

“We’ve got everything we need, we’ve got each other,” Carlos promised, taking his hand back in his as the flight was preparing to take off.

_All I have is this feeling inside of me  
The only thing I've ever known  
If only New York wasn't so far away  
I promise the city won't get in our way  
When you're scared and alone,  
Just know that I'm already home..._

TK breathed, “I’m going _home_.” He nodded placing a kiss to nuzzle Carlos’ temple. Carlos was returning the favor quickly, pressing chaste kissing all down his jaw as the plane took off into the sky. TK looked out the window with Carlos still softly giving him kisses. “Hey, Carlos?”

“Hmm?” Carlos murmured turning TK’s face to look at him as he kissed him softly not realizing he had a question, he just couldn’t help himself.

TK laughed a little into the kiss but slowly pulled back, “Do you think about heaven?” His voice was soft, his eyes were glowing the ocean.

“What exactly about heaven?” Carlos raised a brow.

“Well there’s this song, it’s one of my favorite songs, and it says, ‘ _heaven's not a place that you go when you die, it's that moment in life when you actually feel alive..._ ’…and I just now realized that I’ve felt that way so many times in my life since I met you,” TK mentioned softly swallowing to hold back his tears as Carlos was doing the same not knowing what to say yet as he listened for to TK go on, “The way you kissed me the first time, what I felt, how I felt, the way you made me feel...it was beyond anything I ever felt...I wasn’t _on_ anything either.” TK told him and closed his eyes remembering every detail of that moment before speaking again, “The second time was underneath the stars when I told you I loved you, and I can’t forget the moment you proposed to me, I could only remind you of how holding your hand in mine is the only time I feel alive,” TK added taking his hand into his, “...and there’s more, I could go on forever,” He shrugged, “But,” He breathed in to exhale as he spoke just above a whisper, “The moment you found me again, reminding me of who you are, allowing me to be held made me realize that nothing can ever compare to that. My love for you is like the ocean, especially with the way the tide meets the sand, it never leaves, it’ll go away but it’ll always come back. It’ll always come back because you are my soulmate, Carlos Reyes.” TK nodded firmly being done with all of his thoughts leaving his fiance in tears. TK pouted and gave him a little kiss to his nose as he wiped the tears on his cheek cupping his face.

“I am truly speechless, but you are right, that night on the beach when I took you there to show you how even when I’m not with you, I still am with you? I knew you’d come back to me.” Carlos breathed in and breathed out into TK’s mouth to kiss him with passion. 

Everything was perfect, now. For real. It was. Even Michelle sitting over on the opposite side of them hearing TK’s every word. When she got word it was okay to start using her cell phone she was texting her husband right away. Owen supplied an endless amount of pictures of KT and him selfies and gave her words of love and how much he misses her but especially just how excited he was to be a family again with TK coming home. 

“Hey guys, everyone is going to be greeting us at the airport, Judd’s idea,” Michelle mentioned after reading another text.

“Oh how perfect, my family.” TK grinned, squeezing Carlos’ hand yet again, “Can’t believe we’re almost home., we’ve got a wedding to plan...” 

Carlos smiled blissfully, holding on tight and giving Michelle a thank you for everything look. 

TK looked to the both of them, a smile on his face that just couldn't leave...

_Just know that I'm already home..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so if you like, please comment to let me know. it really keeps me going. i had a lot emotion writing this chapter. the journey will end, and the last and final chapter is going to be a wedding! so hope you'll join!!

**Author's Note:**

> Love, hate it, want to talk about it you can find me over on Twitter @tarloswestallen and [rissa@tumblr](http://rissa.tumblr.com) \- I would love to know your favorite parts with the hashtag #inthestarsfic!


End file.
